Sorry, I have plans…

The plans:

There comes a point  in all of our lives – some of us more often than others – when we’re desperate to get out of plans. We’ve all been there. 

You get hit with the, “hey! what are you up to today?” text and immediately respond with an elaborate fabrication of how you’re cabin-sitting for a wealthy city man's second home in the Poconos. 

Pure panic. 

You’re feeling quite clever though, because you know your friends rarely make it further than the Steel Stacks on the weekends. 

That is until you see their excited response about a nature day retreat complete with a guided hiking tour that they won tickets for. They just forwarded you their extra and will meet you on the Appalachian Trail. How perfect. Now you have no choice but to gas up the car and trek your way up the mountain. This, when all you really wanted was a quiet afternoon to yourself. Good work. 

Needless to say, there are better ways to say no. More direct, honest ways that will leave you in less of a pickle. 

Just because your schedule is open, doesn’t mean you’re available. Craving time alone is all the reason you need to do just that. There’s a reason why you want to be alone, even if that reason isn’t sitting in the forefront of your consciousness when you begin to feel the pull. 

The people-pleaser in you isn’t going to like it, but the truth is: alone time is sacred. 

Whether you want to stay at home with a bath and facemask, hangout with your favorite book at a coffee shop, take yourself for a long romantic walk in the park… Or even if you have no idea what you want to be doing, but you know that it sure as hell doesn’t require small talk... Why have we convinced ourselves that these aren’t adequate conflicts? That rather, these are the excuses of a selfish person? When that couldn’t be further from the truth. 

Honoring your needs above the desire to be accepted exhibits the kind of self-respect that’s needed in the creation of healthy boundaries. 

We’ve become so fearful that our boundaries won’t be taken seriously that we often fail to even set any. Instead, we come up with excuses or go along with a plan we’re not happy with. There are plenty of times that receiving that random “let’s hang” message is endearing and the spontaneity is completely welcome. But if you really don’t want to participate in something, then a reason doesn’t always even need to be given. A simple, “can’t today, let’s get together soon xoxo” is all you really need. I’m talking on a small scale, of course. I don’t even want to think about the kind of reaction that response would evoke in a bride to be on her wedding RSVP. 

If your friends really excommunicate you from the group for turning down free tickets to a hike you can do on your own, chances are it feels like a sigh of relief more than rejection. Because that’s ridiculous behavior and real friends wouldn’t bat an eye at respecting simple boundaries. 

We’ve been sold that alone time is meant to ‘recharge’ the social battery, when in reality it’s so much more than that. If we were only ever alone when we needed to recharge, we’d spend all our alone time sleeping, vegging out on the couch, snacking, and consuming media. We’d be missing the inspired journaling sessions of deep reflection, the satisfying bouts of creativity, the long showers and meditative walks, the realizations, the moments of stillness when you learn something new about yourself. 

Alone time is more than a reset, it’s a necessity to cultivate who you want to be and understand who you already are. It’s a way to listen to yourself away from all the noise. Far enough away to realize what it is that you stand for without the influence of others. 

If you’re feeling like you’d rather be alone every time that one friend reaches out to you, maybe that’s a sign. Maybe that’s a friendship you need some distance from. And maybe it’s less about needing ‘me’ time and more about needing less ‘you’ time. There’s a fine line between interactions that drain your energy and those that give you energy. Distinguishing between the two is something that can also be cultivated through self-reflection during ding ding ding – you guessed it! Alone time. 

If you don’t know where to start, ask yourself: if you only had energy for half the things you usually do, how would your priorities shift? 

We all want to feel heard, someone who listens, who ‘sees’ us. But that’s a lot to ask of someone if you haven’t taken the time to dig around your own depths. 

Asking someone to understand you before you really know yourself just hands them the power to define you. 

If it’s true that people only see mirrors where other people stand, then make it your job to reflect authenticity and truth. Starting with your boundaries, with protecting your peace, and acknowledging the importance of spending time with yourself.