give me a minute
Redefining success for teens & young adults
His words, “I guess it’s downhill from here” – fall flat on the pavement where he’s staring.
Brows knit together in sober contemplation, arm frozen in the air at an awkward distance from his body where a fat cigar sits between his finger and thumb – disproportionately large compared to his slight frame – and burning away.
The statement feels just as out of place as the cigar in our conversation that it takes me a moment to attach meaning to it. A laugh escapes me before I catch his expression and realize it’s a sad declaration regarding life itself and not a joke clad in irony.
No, to this recent high school grad, it is a hard truth; a simple fact of adulthood. One to be confronted face on. Like a man; the man that he’s becoming. He doesn’t hide or sugarcoat his outlook: life is just going to get more difficult.
I guess there’s some truth to that. Sure, life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies and the longer you live, the better you understand that metaphor. But no, the truth is quite the opposite, I say to him. It only goes up from here.
I watch his face contort with skepticism, like that of somebody deciding whether the wine sample is worth the extra 0 at the end of the price tag. In the end, I’m not confident he sees it. Sees that he’s just been gifted free will for the first time in his young life. That the doors have only just opened up for him.
His cousin of the same age, well – she understands all too well. As we talk, I can feel the enormity of it weighing on her. After a lifetime of carefully following the syllabus to success for a student and daughter, she knows it’s ultimately up to her to decide what comes next. The possibilities flash like lightning in her uncertain eyes, brain rumbling like thunder.
The common ground between these two otherwise vastly different individuals is their decision to evade an immediate transition from high school to a two or four year college degree program. Coming from someone who never allowed herself to think about not attending university the fall after high school graduation (less I become homeless or the favorite townie bartender, I would often remind myself in threatening tones) all I can think about the decisions these two are making is: good on them.
To be confronted with all of life’s possibilities under the pressure of society and family to just know what to do with it all and say, “give me a minute,” is incredibly brave.
Not to mention the self-intelligence and resilience it takes to know oneself well enough to admit it’s not all figured out and to pursue what makes the most sense at the time. The steps one person takes to build their future might look completely different than the steps someone else is taking. The only certainty is life’s uncertainties, so if it’s between choosing a field of study at random (like the education system pushes for) or learning a trade or joining an industry like retail or service, the latter will at least provide income while the former risks the loss of thousands of dollars on a major switch (or three).
Success is first defined for us, not by us. Usually by our elders or those who raise us. Over the years, what they want for us can all too easily become what we think we want for ourselves. Thankfully, what they usually want is for us to simply lead a ‘better’ life than them. But their ideas on what that means, what that looks like, are completely dependent on how they interpret their own life experiences.
Dad never went to college? Maybe he has his sights set on sending you because he believes it’ll open you up to more opportunities than he had. Or maybe it had the opposite effect on him and he doesn’t think it’s necessary for you to go, either.
Whatever the case may be, adopting and achieving goals set by others without truly resonating, confuses the feeling of success with that of people-pleasing. From there it’s a slippery slope to attaching identity to these achievements.
When you’re not [Name], The Good Daughter or [Name], The Accountant… Who are you, really?
Between the coming of age stories intertwined by schooling, extra-curriculars, sports, first loves, social dramas… When are you supposed to figure that out, let alone know how you want to spend the rest of your life? Americans are born to be busy. Given little to no time to sit in the stillness required to hear inner callings.
The wonderful thing about personal success is that it is measured and defined by the individual. That definition is malleable to fit into different stages of life. It’s not dependent on how fast goals are achieved or realized, if they resemble what others want for you, or how many times you change your mind.
What really matters is living a life you’re proud of, and having trust that you will find ways to sustain that lifestyle in a way that aligns with your values.
Manifestation Exercise:
Imagine there are no obstacles between you and your dream life. Now, close your eyes. First picture where you live. Fill in details: what your home looks like, what environment you’re in, what is nearby. Now, walk through your day-to-day: a routine, a job, a career, hobbies, friends.
Each time you come back to this exercise, continue to complete your vision, incorporating more vivid details.
